Tell Aviva

Friends and Food

2010-07-09T00:46:00.000-07:00

Dear Aviva,

I’ve never been much for watching what I eat, but I’ve decided I could stand to lose a few pounds before my niece’s bat mitzvah (aka large family reunion). So far I’ve been pretty good about eating healthier foods and getting to the gym once in a while… except when I’m in the company of a certain friend. She makes comments about my being a “gym rat” whenever I mention working out, and when we meet up she is always armed with lots of junky snacks. She’ll also say things about dieting being a waste of time or things to that effect when I talk about my latest successes (or failures). She’s a good friend, but I’m starting to feel resentful. How can I get her to understand this is important to me?

Weight Watching

Dear Weight Watching,

If you’ve never watched what you ate before, you might be one of the few bat-mitzvah attending women in the world who doesn’t have all kinds of weird issues with food and weight. It’s possible that your friend is being less than supportive because your new resolve is making her jealous, or nervous, or worried for you. Who knows. It’s also worth keeping in mind that a comment here and there about pounds lost or gained or kilometers run is fine, but these might not be topics of engaging conversation to people who aren’t you.
See if you can get around these annoying situations before deciding to avoid your friend. If you’re going to meet up, you can say “I’ll bring the snacks this time since I’m the one watching what I eat.” Then just keep in mind that Patit crackers without spread don’t count as real food. And that the taste of artificial sugar in 0% fat yogurt is overwhelming. Preparing yourself mentally for the fact that she might still bring junk food might help you turn it down if she does. If you don’t eat it, you probably won’t wind up feeling resentful.

As for her gym rat / waste of time comments, if you want her to understand these new habits are important to you, try telling her explicitly. Like so:

Her: You’re such a gym rat.
You: Well, getting in shape is important to me.

If that doesn’t have an effect, you’ll either have to learn to shrug it off or set your next date for after the haftorah.

Guests and Gluten

2010-06-24T13:12:00.000-07:00

Dear Aviva,
I can’t eat gluten, and I’m not sure how to handle the situation when I’m invited to eat in someone’s home. I don’t want a host to think I’m implying the menu should be catered to my digestive system, but I also don’t want to make someone feel bad when I show up and can’t eat anything. How do I let them know about this without sounding demanding?
-Wheatarded

ilmungo

Dear Wheatarded,
I think the key here is to take the responsibility for your dietary restrictions on yourself. If you simply say that BTW you can’t eat gluten, see you Saturday, then yes, it does sound like you expect arrangements to be made for you. But you can also say “I can’t eat gluten, so let me know what I can bring so that you don’t have to worry about it.” If you’re going somewhere you won’t be able to bring a main dish, you can phrase it as a heads up “…so don’t be offended if I need to grill you about ingredients.” And don’t forget to bring a nice bottle of wine.
Aviva

Rouge or Ruse? How to Choose an Online Dating Photo

2010-05-22T10:05:00.000-07:00

Dear Aviva,

A friend finally convinced me to create a JDate profile. I figured it would be easy enough, but now that I’m creating a profile I’m totally stumped. I was going to use this really fantastic photo that was taken at a friend’s wedding, but I wonder if that is misleading. I keep thinking of all the stories where people show up to a date expecting an athlete only to find a channel surfer. How do I put my best foot forward without tricking anyone into dating me?

-Picking Pictures

Dear Picking,
No one wants to wait for Prince Charming and find he’s turned into a toad. But posting a picture of yourself that was taken in a particularly flattering light – or in particularly flattering top or particularly flattering eye makeup – isn’t necessarily lying.

Think of all the maintenance we do! Trimming, plucking, shaving, brushing, applying... spanx wearing - and that's just to look OK for work. Everyone knows there are times you do more (night out on the town) and times you do less (morning after). Chances are, no one looking at your profile will think that's what you look like when you roll out of bed in the morning.

So how do you find the thin line between rouge and ruse?
I think the key question you should ask yourself is not “Do I always look like this?” but “Can I look like this?”

If you couldn’t button those jeans you were wearing if your life depended on it, the answer is no.

If you can button those jeans but only if you refrain from exhaling, the answer is still no.

If you were having a fantastic hair day you’re not sure you could repeat, the answer is yes.

If you no longer have hair days, the answer is no.

Get the jist? It’s also a good idea to post one or two additional pictures of yourself that can provide more information both about what you look like and about who you are.

Go get ‘em!

Shabbat Shalom Sheep

2010-05-21T15:14:00.000-07:00

2010-04-11T13:06:00.000-07:00

Dear Aviva,

I share an office with a woman who must be some kind of reptile in disguise – she has no body heat! She is only comfortable when the room is what I (a 190 pound guy) consider sweltering. I’m getting sick of taking turns opening windows and turning ac and heating on and off on the sly. How can we fix this?

-Melting Man

Dear Melting,

No more of this on the sly stuff. It’s time for you to talk about a solution - bring the issue up one morning before temperatures drop and tempers rise - and avoid any more feelings of hostility. You also might want to avoid calling your coworker a lizard. Or snake. Maaaybe a pterodactyl is ok? Cause she could be all why thank you I do wish I could fly.

Think about ways each of you can make yourselves more comfortable. Does Lizzie keep a sweater in the office? If not, you can bring one in (for sweet passive aggressive revenge, make it an ugly one)!

Do you have a small electric fan you can direct towards your desk without changing the temperature of the whole room (hm, or scattering papers everywhere)?

Maybe you can rethink the arrangement of the room as well. Even in a small space, the person sitting directly under the air conditioning or next to the window might feel very different than the person sitting not directly under the air conditioning or next to the window.

If you can’t work anything out, you can always talk to HR or your superior about one of you sitting elsewhere. Both of you deserve to be comfortable. And you can throw something in about productivity blah blah.

-Aviva

2010-03-21T12:15:00.000-07:00

Dear Aviva,

I’ve been living in Israel with my Israeli boyfriend for over a year and half. After spending countless holidays and plenty of weekends with his family, he will finally be coming with me to the States for Passover to visit my American family.

I am really excited that he will be spending time with my relatives (especially because our families are so different), but I am also really nervous about the intensity of a two week stint at my folks’ place.

Any advice on how to make the experience easier on him and more enjoyable? He does have one or two guy friends that will be in the area that he can escape to...

Sincerely,

Turned (Seder) Tables

Dear Turned,

Having your boyfriend and parents get to know each other over a meal that includes four mandatory glasses of wine? You’re already doing great!

Now if only there were someone who knew both your family and your boyfriend really well, and could give them each some inside information to help them understand each other better…

You say your families celebrate differently, so now is the time to explain the differences to your boyfriend (, etc.) and let your family know that a lot of what is going on will be new to Itay.

“Mom, sometimes Itay stops eating when he is full.”

“Itay, all krepluch are gebruchs but not all gebruchs are krepluch.”

No matter how you slice it, two weeks is a long time to spend in your significant other’s folks’ home. Make plenty of out-of-the-house plans! While you have the chance, show your BF the route you used to take to school, try out all the touristy-ness in your town you’d never do alone, you know the drill.

And, as you mention, encourage ol’ Itay to feel free to spend some time here and there with guy friends one and two. It will be nice to have some one-on-one time with your family, and he’ll come back refreshed.

Aviva

http://www.flickr.com/photos/damiel/ / CC BY-NC-SA 2.0

2010-03-11T13:50:00.001-08:00

Dear Aviva,

I’ve been invited to a co-worker’s wedding. My understanding is that people generally write a check to the bride and groom, but I was planning on giving some beautiful artwork I found in Neve Tzedek. Is that acceptable?

Pondering Presents

Dear Pondering,

Ever heard the expression “When in Rome?” Well, when in Israel, do as the Israelis do, sometimes. I’m not suggesting you start saying “shrimps” or closing your business at random hours in the middle of the day, but you should probably just write your co-worker a check this time.

The exception to this rule is if it is a close friend getting married, and you either are sure they would prefer a gift or comfortable enough to ask.

As a side-note, when anywhere, artwork is risky - people don’t always have the same taste. I know writing a check might seem odd to you, but trust me, it will be welcome.

And... this is totally the icing on the cake of this post... if you are not sure how much to write that check for, check this out.

Best,

Aviva

Photo from George Eastman House Collection

2010-03-07T02:14:00.000-08:00

Dear Aviva,

What can you tell me about Israeli phone etiquette? Is there anything unique about it?

Thanks,

-Call Waiting

Dear Call,

Off the top of my head, the following are aspects of phone etiquette in Israel that might be surprising to a non-native.

1. It is absolutely acceptable to keep your cell phone out on the table next to your plate or glass.

2. Rather than a simple goodbye, hanging up the phone is preceded by a full blown ceremony. A rough translation of an excerpt:

A: Great, so I’ll see you at 7.

B: Yes, see you then.

A: Excellent.

B: Wonderful.

A: Good, so see you.

B: Yallah

A: Yallah

B: See you later

A: Definitely

B: Bye

A: Bye

B: Bye

3. When calling someone you know well, never, ever leave voice mail unless you are in the hospital, and even then, only if it’s for something serious (for example, having an appendix removed does not qualify unless the appendix has already ruptured).

If the person you are calling already has your number, they will see your missed call.

Got something to say? Text it.

4. Doctors’ offices and the like do not wait until 9 am to call. If you are planning on sleeping late on a weekday (Friday included) and you have any appointments scheduled within the next three days, turn off your phone at night.

5. Despite appearances, it is not acceptable to shout into your phone (especially when other people are trapped in your vicinty, i.e. on the number 21 bus at 9:15 AM this morning). Though it happens all the time, it is in fact annoying to the vast (though more silent and less visible) majority.

I’m sure there are more differences… but this should be a good start.

Happy Calling!

2010-03-03T14:47:00.000-08:00

Dear Aviva,

I moved to Israel from Boston about a year ago and I have been dating a great Israeli guy for about a month. I want us both to be tested for STI’s, but he says no one does that here and it’s not an issue. I’m shocked by his attitude! It seems so irresponsible – I’m considering breaking up with him, except until this came up I was really enjoying the relationship. Am I crazy to stay with him or to insist he get tested?

- Check up or Check out

Dear Check,

Hold on juuuust a second before you check in either direction, and keep in mind that your boyfriend is coming from a very different place. You may want to consider cutting your boyfriend some slack in the responsibility department, because for whatever the reason, STI testing is in fact less a part of the general awareness here.

Actual Conversation:

Anonymous (but good looking, smart, kind-hearted, and well-dressed) American: I’d like to be tested for sexually transmitted infections.

Doctor: Huh?*

However (dun dun duuun). These tests are important to you (and rightly so). Whatever your boyfriend’s opinion is regarding their necessity, he should be able to recognize that even if he’s not concerned about HPV, he needs to show concern and consideration of your feelings and this request. If he proves incapable of doing that, then it really might be time to look for someone new.

Aviva

*It was the what are talking about kind of huh not the pardon me I didn't quite hear what you said kind.

http://www.flickr.com/photos/drexler/ / CC BY 2.0

2010-02-28T07:23:00.000-08:00

Dear Aviva,

My wife worries that I give our 17 year old son’s friends the third degree when they come over. I say I’m just trying to get to know the people our son spends so much of his time with. Is there some kind of rule here?

Puzzled Pop

Dear Puzzled,

If you are looking for a rule like this:

“A parent may ask up to 4 questions within the first hour of a child’s friend’s visit, and no more than 2 each subsequent hour.”

I’m afraid the answer is that it does not exist.

But your son’s friends are 17 – old enough that while seated at the kitchen table, you can feel free to think of them as real people. And I suspect that real people actually like to talk about themselves. Why, one time when I was – oh, right, it's your turn.

Anyhoo. Conversation should maintain a pace similar to what it would be if you were talking to people your own age. If you are asking (as opposed to interviewing or grilling), and sharing (as opposed to interviewing or grilling), you should be just fine!

You also don’t mention your son's feelings here. If he’s not complaining, why fix what’s not broke? (Er, or something like that.) Who knows, maybe your son even realizes how lucky he is to have a father who shows such an interest in his life. On some level. Maybe.

If he is complaining, however… he’ll grow up (and it’s your house).

Good luck!

Aviva

2010-02-17T05:07:00.000-08:00

Dear Aviva,

I am long overdue for a raise at the law firm I work for. In the time I've been there, I've taken on a great deal more responsibility than when I started (as indicated by a new title), and become an increasingly valuable member of my team. However, my salary does not reflect these changes. I want to approach my boss about this, but the truth is, my heart is not in this job and the minute I find something more challenging and suited to my interests, I am going to leave. Is it wrong to ask for a raise when I am planning to leave?

-Here For Now

Dear HFN,

The short answer is that if you deserve a raise (and it sounds like you do), you should ask for one. I hate to be the bearer of bad news (oh alright, sometimes the sadist in me sorta enjoys it), but the economy and job market aren't yet up to par. In other words, the ol' job search ain't what it used to be. And from personal experience and what I've heard from others and seen in movies and read all over, it was never exactly a picnic. In this climate, and even in a better one, looking for a job you want could take several months. Several months of work for which you should be appropriately compensated.

I will suggest here that you not leave the minute something better comes along, but rather, you know, two weeks to a month later. But really, unless you explicitly lie about your intentions and as long as you continue to keep up the good work, go for the gold!

-Aviva

2010-02-07T04:53:00.000-08:00

Dear Aviva,

Every time I leave the country, I get a million requests to bring back all sorts of things. Coworkers request alcohol from the duty free, friends want to know if I have room for a box of cookies a mom wants to send, you get the idea. How can I not offend these people and still leave room in my suitcases for my own stuff?

Bagged Down

Dear Bagged,

I hope no one would be offended if you explained that you can’t bring back a bottle of alcohol because you need to bring back your socks and underwear. The trick is to figure out which requests are reasonable and which are not. After all, everyone needs a friend to bring back a new long-lasting eye liner from Lord and Taylor every once in a while. Or a tide stick. (Hey – are you asking this question because you’re going to the States soon?) My point is, if a friend needs a small item that won’t send you too far out of your way, help ‘em out.

For everyone and everything else, prepare yourself with one or more of the following:

“I have a long list of things I have to bring back and not very much room in my suitcase.”

“I somehow always manage to run late for my flight so I can’t promise anything from the Duty Free.”*

“I’ll be super busy and don’t want to forget to pick up [one of these items]. Can you have it shipped to [this] address?”

“It looks like you’re saying something but I can’t hear you… Sorry gotta run before I’m late for this concert. I mean mime show.”

*Note: If you are going to use this one, it may serve your interest to keep your huge stash of Ahava products or mini Toblerones out of sight.

Just an (Unsolicited) Thought

2009-11-29T03:23:00.000-08:00

If you ever have to cook for a lot of people, might I suggest google-ing Kosher recipes. These recipes are for big crowds, so you don't have to worry about how well they will double ( / triple / quadruple).

I mean, have you ever even heard of two to four servings of rugeluch?

Another perk to Kosher recipes is that they are Kosher, which is nice (for anyone who is into that).

http://www.flickr.com/photos/jypsygen/ / CC BY-NC-ND 2.0

2009-11-19T08:37:00.000-08:00

Dear Aviva

I have a friend I love to death, but she dresses in a way that is unflattering to her body type. She’s not exactly thin, and yet she insists on wearing super tight clothes all the time. I think that if she dressed differently she could look a lot better. How do I tell her without hurting her feelings?

Trying to Help

Dear Fashion Pol - I mean - Trying,

Have you thought about not telling your friend? If your friend feels good about how she looks and what she wears, then maybe you better leave well enough alone… yes, even if it’s not your taste.

There’s no easy way tell a friend you love to death that she looks bad without hurting her feelings. Think about it - what would you say?

“You look like crap”

“You’re too fat for that shirt… and all your shirts”

“You’re too fat for those pants… and all your pants”

Not likely to go over well. If, after some careful weighing of options, you think your friend does need your help and something must be done, maybe you can try telling her when she does look good. Example:

Friend arrives wearing a less tight shirt.

You: I like your shirt.

Friend: Thank you.

You: That cut is really flattering – you should wear more shirts like that.

Or, maybe it’s time for a little shopping date (I feel dishonest without admitting here that there is nothing I hate more than a little shopping date – this activity is not for everyone). Gather up all those coupons you’ve been saving since Rosh Hashana and head to the Sehntehr. Try on clothing with your friend and tell her exactly what you think of everything she tries on. The rule is that before purchase, you can say whatever you want. Post purchase, nu-uh. Also, suggest things for her to try on! And if something looks right, repeat something similar to the conversation above.

Just an (Unsolicited) Thought...

2009-11-12T07:23:00.000-08:00

As someone who has experienced the Tel Aviv apartment hunt more than once (and more than twice… and yes, more than three times) I’ve defined a few often-seen phrases from homeless.

עם החתול הכי חמוד בארץ

Literally: With the cutest cat in the country

Really: With a one-eyed alley cat not really any cuter than any other cat. Probably not even cuter than other one-eyed alley cats.

שווה לראות

Literally: Worth seeing

Really: Because it will make your impending homelessness seem a less frightening option.

מטבח מאובזר

Literally: Accessorized kitchen

Really: Best case, the landlord left savta’s old toaster in the kitchen.

דיי גדול

Literally: Rather big

Really: Small

2009-11-12T06:36:00.000-08:00

Dear Aviva,
I went on what I thought was a great date (3 days ago) but haven’t heard from the guy. I’m assuming this means I won’t. I’m thinking of calling him, but I don’t want to seem desperate, or to ruin any chance there might be of his calling because I’ll have lost The Game. Should I do it anyway?
-I Hate Dating

Dear I,
The way I (oh this can be confusing) see it, there are three possible results of a phone call from you. Get ready.
1. He is into you and is glad to hear from you, so you set another date (hooray!)
2. He is not into you and is not glad to hear from you, so you do not set another date.
3. He is into you, but will no longer be into you, because you have no game.
In my book, these outcomes are all positive. Outcome 1 is nice for obvious reasons. In Outcome 2, sure, you might feel a little rejected, but this dude has made clear that he is not that great by not giving you a courtesy “thanks but no thanks” call/text/email/fb message. So who needs 'em. And at least you can stop worrying. In Outcome 3, however, this guy is such a douche that he is actually turned off by someone calling him. Who needs that? If this is the case, you could wind up saving yourself a lot of time by calling and figuring this out sooner than later.

2009-11-09T06:07:00.000-08:00

Dear Aviva,
My roommate is driving me nuts. Whenever I put something down, she moves it. She is loud in the mornings when I am still asleep. She tells me I need to make my showers shorter. She makes it uncomfortable for me to have guests over (yelling, door slamming, etc.). The list goes on and on – if I ask her to stop doing one thing, she finds a new way to get at me. How do I get her to let me live in peace?
-Not at home at home

Dear Not,
My favorite way to deal with awful roommates is to collect dead cockroaches (if there are none under your fridge, check the stairwell) and place them in surprising locations (i.e. baskets of clean laundry). While this method does not always solve problems, it does always feel good.
Or, if you want to be mature (read: boring) about it, I suggest you sit this roommate down when things are calm and discuss the general pattern, rather than dealing with an individual incident in the heat of the moment. Telling you how long you can stay in the shower and being rude to guests sound like actions that are beyond the usual shenanigans of a well-meaning but unaware roommate. This one needs to hear that the space you share is yours as much as it is hers, and that she has to treat it as such. If she continues to act this way, you might consider letting your landlords know what is happening. I know, landlords around here never seem to care, but having a tenant who can’t get along with others is quite a liability, and they might be able to help (read: kick her out). If there are still no changes for the better, it could be time to look for a new place. You need to have a homey home!
-Aviva