Friends and Food

Dear Aviva,

I’ve never been much for watching what I eat, but I’ve decided I could stand to lose a few pounds before my niece’s bat mitzvah (aka large family reunion). So far I’ve been pretty good about eating healthier foods and getting to the gym once in a while… except when I’m in the company of a certain friend. She makes comments about my being a “gym rat” whenever I mention working out, and when we meet up she is always armed with lots of junky snacks. She’ll also say things about dieting being a waste of time or things to that effect when I talk about my latest successes (or failures). She’s a good friend, but I’m starting to feel resentful. How can I get her to understand this is important to me?

Weight Watching

Dear Weight Watching,

If you’ve never watched what you ate before, you might be one of the few bat-mitzvah attending women in the world who doesn’t have all kinds of weird issues with food and weight. It’s possible that your friend is being less than supportive because your new resolve is making her jealous, or nervous, or worried for you. Who knows. It’s also worth keeping in mind that a comment here and there about pounds lost or gained or kilometers run is fine, but these might not be topics of engaging conversation to people who aren’t you.
See if you can get around these annoying situations before deciding to avoid your friend. If you’re going to meet up, you can say “I’ll bring the snacks this time since I’m the one watching what I eat.” Then just keep in mind that Patit crackers without spread don’t count as real food. And that the taste of artificial sugar in 0% fat yogurt is overwhelming. Preparing yourself mentally for the fact that she might still bring junk food might help you turn it down if she does. If you don’t eat it, you probably won’t wind up feeling resentful.

As for her gym rat / waste of time comments, if you want her to understand these new habits are important to you, try telling her explicitly. Like so:

Her: You’re such a gym rat.
You: Well, getting in shape is important to me.

If that doesn’t have an effect, you’ll either have to learn to shrug it off or set your next date for after the haftorah.

Guests and Gluten

Dear Aviva,
I can’t eat gluten, and I’m not sure how to handle the situation when I’m invited to eat in someone’s home. I don’t want a host to think I’m implying the menu should be catered to my digestive system, but I also don’t want to make someone feel bad when I show up and can’t eat anything. How do I let them know about this without sounding demanding?
-Wheatarded

 ilmungo

Dear Wheatarded,
I think the key here is to take the responsibility for your dietary restrictions on yourself. If you simply say that BTW you can’t eat gluten, see you Saturday, then yes, it does sound like you expect arrangements to be made for you. But you can also say “I can’t eat gluten, so let me know what I can bring so that you don’t have to worry about it.” If you’re going somewhere you won’t be able to bring a main dish, you can phrase it as a heads up “…so don’t be offended if I need to grill you about ingredients.” And don’t forget to bring a nice bottle of wine.
Aviva

Rouge or Ruse? How to Choose an Online Dating Photo

Dear Aviva,

A friend finally convinced me to create a JDate profile. I figured it would be easy enough, but now that I’m creating a profile I’m totally stumped. I was going to use this really fantastic photo that was taken at a friend’s wedding, but I wonder if that is misleading. I keep thinking of all the stories where people show up to a date expecting an athlete only to find a channel surfer. How do I put my best foot forward without tricking anyone into dating me?

-Picking Pictures

Dear Picking,    
No one wants to wait for Prince Charming and find he’s turned into a toad. But posting a picture of yourself that was taken in a particularly flattering light – or in particularly flattering top or particularly flattering eye makeup – isn’t necessarily lying.

Think of all the maintenance we do! Trimming, plucking, shaving, brushing, applying... spanx wearing - and that's just to look OK for work. Everyone knows there are times you do more (night out on the town) and times you do less (morning after). Chances are, no one looking at your profile will think that's what you look like when you roll out of bed in the morning.

So how do you find the thin line between rouge and ruse?
I think the key question you should ask yourself is not “Do I always look like this?” but “Can I look like this?”

If you couldn’t button those jeans you were wearing if your life depended on it, the answer is no.

If you can button those jeans but only if you refrain from exhaling, the answer is still no.

If you were having a fantastic hair day you’re not sure you could repeat, the answer is yes.

If you no longer have hair days, the answer is no.

Get the jist? It’s also a good idea to post one or two additional pictures of yourself that can provide more information both about what you look like and about who you are.

Go get ‘em!

Shabbat Shalom Sheep

Dear Aviva,

I share an office with a woman who must be some kind of reptile in disguise – she has no body heat! She is only comfortable when the room is what I (a 190 pound guy) consider sweltering. I’m getting sick of taking turns opening windows and turning ac and heating on and off on the sly. How can we fix this?

-Melting Man

Dear Melting,

No more of this on the sly stuff. It’s time for you to talk about a solution - bring the issue up one morning before temperatures drop and tempers rise - and avoid any more feelings of hostility. You also might want to avoid calling your coworker a lizard. Or snake. Maaaybe a pterodactyl is ok? Cause she could be all why thank you I do wish I could fly.

Think about ways each of you can make yourselves more comfortable. Does Lizzie keep a sweater in the office? If not, you can bring one in (for sweet passive aggressive revenge, make it an ugly one)!

Do you have a small electric fan you can direct towards your desk without changing the temperature of the whole room (hm, or scattering papers everywhere)?

Maybe you can rethink the arrangement of the room as well. Even in a small space, the person sitting directly under the air conditioning or next to the window might feel very different than the person sitting not directly under the air conditioning or next to the window.

If you can’t work anything out, you can always talk to HR or your superior about one of you sitting elsewhere. Both of you deserve to be comfortable. And you can throw something in about productivity blah blah.

-Aviva

Dear Aviva,

I’ve been living in Israel with my Israeli boyfriend for over a year and half. After spending countless holidays and plenty of weekends with his family, he will finally be coming with me to the States for Passover to visit my American family.

I am really excited that he will be spending time with my relatives (especially because our families are so different), but I am also really nervous about the intensity of a two week stint at my folks’ place.

Any advice on how to make the experience easier on him and more enjoyable? He does have one or two guy friends that will be in the area that he can escape to...

Sincerely,

Turned (Seder) Tables

Dear Turned, 

Having your boyfriend and parents get to know each other over a meal that includes four mandatory glasses of wine? You’re already doing great!

Now if only there were someone who knew both your family and your boyfriend really well, and could give them each some inside information to help them understand each other better…

You say your families celebrate differently, so now is the time to explain the differences to your boyfriend (, etc.) and let your family know that a lot of what is going on will be new to Itay.

“Mom, sometimes Itay stops eating when he is full.” 

“Itay, all krepluch are gebruchs but not all gebruchs are krepluch.”

No matter how you slice it, two weeks is a long time to spend in your significant other’s folks’ home. Make plenty of out-of-the-house plans! While you have the chance, show your BF the route you used to take to school, try out all the touristy-ness in your town you’d never do alone, you know the drill.

And, as you mention, encourage ol’ Itay to feel free to spend some time here and there with guy friends one and two.  It will be nice to have some one-on-one time with your family, and he’ll come back refreshed.

Aviva

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